Friends, boys and giving it all to Jesus

There is always a point when enough is too much.
For the last few months I've received countless 'I'm done with you' and 'I've had enough of being your friend's to last me a long time. I've heard the words 'I love you' with; or shortly prior to these words. My ears feel like they've abused the sound of precious words being manipulated into something fake and all too painful.
Love is not neglectful. Nor does it give up. Love does not mean isolating a person because sometimes they can be difficult. No. Love is not this at all. My heart is all too consumed with the misuse of the word 'Love' and thoughts plague me of how a situation may have gone if the words were sincere. But I've spent too much time dwelling on the possibilities of the past rather than the reality of right now.
It's hard sometimes to look at my last four months and view the almost hourly conversations with the people who claimed their spots in my life with a promise of consistency in their presence. It's difficult to view it through my eyes considering they have not seen a word, nor the face of these people in so long.

I cling to a conclusion that deduces I was and am to blame. These people all had one thing in common. Me. My selfishness. My brokenness. My blatant misunderstanding and inability to correctly process situations. My anxieties. My self consciousness. My high momentum need for constant reassurance that I won't be left alone until the moment comes when that promise is impossible to make. I know my humanness is sometimes unbearable, so I can't bring myself to find fault in the people who tried while they could.

I've never been really coherent with people. I'm clueless with boys, and I find myself in the same situations time and time again. I constantly search for value in the words of people. In the presence of people. In the promise, whether kept or broken, of PEOPLE.
It must stop. I must stop.

Reality is, I've been trying to drive by myself. I acknowledge Jesus and His unfailing love and grace. I do. I just struggle with relenting my control. I am a perfectionist by nature, but oddly I stand by and try to take the controls from the hands of perfection. Through the gut wrenching, spirit dampening pain of being left behind from so many lives, I know He is constant. I never feel completely alone, because He doesn't let me. I never feel like I have no hope with friends in the future, because if all else fails, I have a friend in God. I never truly feel satisfied when straying from my purpose- to delight in God and His promises rather than searching for answers of worth and hope in the world.

I won't say that being a 'used-to-be' to the people who I shared my fears with isn't disheartening. I won't say it's a favourable option. But I will say that it's something I can handle. 18 years of brick walls, and by the grace of God I've climbed every single one. Some of them are harder to get over but once I reach the top I know it's all about letting go and letting God catch me where I should be.
The friends I do have, these people who know me, know my faults, my fears, my failings, my idiocy and my humanness- these people who are HERE. I'm so grateful.

I've written the names of the people I once had the pleasure of being friends with. The ones who- by one reason or another- that journey ended.. I've written those names down to pray for. Because even though I can't be in their lives anymore, I believe that they will be provided with people they can handle. With people they can say they love and mean it. I believe they will be given blessings- because they are loved.

Memories will stay with me forever. And one day it won't hurt to look back on them. I believe that. I know that. I'm confident in that because God is bigger than any ounce of pain I could experience, and He makes me a conquerer.